Part 5: Theatre of Failure Part Two: Death after Death

Alright, boys and girls, it's time for our second session on how to be a really terrible police officer. With us, as always, are Officers Gordon Orlando Rufus and Gabriel Louis Durant.

Hey.

Good evening.

(Why is he saying "as always" when this is only the second time?)

(Shhhhh. Do you want to end up naked again?)

And now, if you'll get the projector, Officer Durant, we'll show everyone the movie you two made last week.

(Let me tell you, I would rather be getting a root canal than be in this room right now.)

Here's Officer Rufus, fully briefed and about to go out on patrol. Are you going to do your pre-patrol vehicle inspection, Officer Rufus?



Inspections are for stamp collectors and old people. Let's get a move on.

Uh-oh!



You are kidding me. How did you make that happen?

Ha-ha. You made it happen, Officer Rufus, with your inattention to detail and sloppy adherence to procedure.

Remember to check your car every time you get in. You don't want to find out what's wrong the hard way.

No, seriously, do you have this car rigged or someth-

Let's move on to the next demonstration.

OK. I've done my inspection and now I've started the car.



Hell, that steering is a bit sensitive. Well, let me just hit the brakes and... WHAT HAPPENED TO THE BR-




Are you okay in there, Officer Rufus?

Airbag deployed... still alive... think I lost a filling...

So, uh, the lesson is "don't drive into walls". I realize some of you may have trouble mastering this lesson. If so, you may want to consider whether uniformed street patrol is really the life for you.


(Why are there ads in this?)

(Had to pay for those cars somehow.)

(Oh, God, don't remind me.)

(I don't need to. The movie will be taking care of that in a minute.)



Ok. This is much better.

But now there's a red light ahead, Officer Rufus. What do you do? What do you do?

Is this a trick question? I'm a cop.



And a cop, especially a traffic cop, should be aware of traffic regulations, shouldn't they?

Well, at least I didn't get any bruises this time. Except to my pride.

Now let me set a scene for you, Office Rufus. You respond to an accident report and find that it is actually a homicide. You're investigating the car for evidence. What next?



Naturally I pull out my gun.

I'm sorry?

I don't like the way that guy is looking at me.

But he's dead.

Doesn't always stop them.

(Lord, who wrote that? Does Dooley actually believe this stuff?)



As you know, Officer Rufus, an officer may only draw their weapon under certain circumstances. Feeling threatened by an immobile corpse is not one of them. So what next?

I radio it in, of course. Even I can manage that.

This is 83-32 reporting a really gross homicide. There's blood all over this guy's car and I think I got some on my shoes.



Well, job's done. Time to get a beer.



Yep, a nice frosty beer would be good about now.



Don't let this happen to you on your first time out, cadets. Now, I'd never make that kind of rookie mistake - heck, I've been on the force long enough to be in the paper, so it clearly isn't my first time out, but if I pulled that stunt it could be my last. You don't abandon a crime scene while another unit is en route; anybody could pick up and walk away with anything from the scene... or, worse, drop something off.



I'd also advise you not to stand around in the street unless you've taped it off. Too much potential for an accident.



Wait, wait, I didn't show you the best part. This hole in his jaw is just the right size... let me just... here we go. Look, I can make him talk!



"Woooo! Aveeeenge my deeeeeeath!"



Alright, alright. I'll take a walk.



In your CAR, Bonds.

Fine, fine. Hmm, I wonder if I could just sneak back and...



Remember, the crime scene investigation team has a job to do and so do we. They don't arrest people, and we don't do amateur forensics. When your part of the job is done, have the good sense to make yourself scarce so they can do theirs.



After that, I could really go for something red and messy.



I heard about a new pizza place opening up the way... guess I'll just get on the freeway and head up there.

Wait! Officer Rufus! That's the off-ramp! And there's a purple car heading right for you!



OH GOD NO



Hey, can you hear me? Are you OK?

i can see through time now

The projector please, Officer Durant.

(I'm still waking up to the image of that oncoming car every night at three.)

(I swear I had no idea that was going to happen. The other car was supposed to stop and so were you.)

(I wonder if their brakes were cut too or if they were just lousy drivers.)

SILENCE!

...

...

And that concludes our demonstration. See you all here next week!